Fifty-Five #55

55

Sometimes my days are blurred together. Tears cloud my vision. Self-doubt blocks my creative mind. Pain and sadness quickly become the only feelings I allow myself to feel.

My frustrations become hate. Science. Math. Obvious subjects I refuse to indulge in but even writing I make myself hate the love of my life. Me. Why? Because I am frustrated. Over it. I don’t wanna feel. I think of light. What brightens my day when the clouds are blocking the sun?

Never self-inflicting pain physically, but even my mother says I am not above it. But that isn’t to say I indulge in those self-harming thoughts. I allow myself to feel and I let the thoughts pass. I feel everything…I don't push my emotions away. I feel so I can begin to heal.

“I can’t help that I feel my emotions so intensely…besides it’s the only thing that makes me feel human at times”

I just want to be happy…who knew it would be this hard? Who knew it would be a full commitment? Why don’t I know myself? Why am I SO IMPRESSIONABLE?

I am just over everything at this point. I don’t want to do any assignments. I don’t want to log into zoom. I don’t want to be vaccinated. AND I AM TIRED OF BEING THE ONLY BLACK WOMAN IN CLASSROOM SETTINGS. I am tired of the curious looks. I am tired of group work. I have just had my fair share of being ostracized. Whether the reality of the ostracization is inflicted by me or someone else I am over it. So, I am forced to grow! I am forced to embrace a new perspective. Growing pains hurt like any other pain. It is a crucial turning point in life. I choose to seek positivity every day even on the days that I cry.

I am tired of people reading my work and not understanding because the truth is no one has understood me thus far. Why would I care about contextual comments? I don’t expect you to understand why or what I am talking about. I just want a grade. Barely even that at times.

Kind of just want to be left alone for a while. But it's like I don’t even have control over that at this point.

Everything is not always peaches and cream. Life is hard. I cry! Shit, I am crying now! Because I am tired. And no matter how many times I say it, nothing anyone says will ever be enough because this world is beyond fixing. So, it’s like I can’t beat the wickedness of the world so why not just become a part of it.